Now that it’s normal to encounter people who seem to be talking to themselves because of the inconspicuousness of technology, perhaps it’s time to take advantage of the benefits of really talking to ourselves. After all, when we need help or support, we tend to go to people who know us well, so why not consult with yourself? Aren’t you the person who knows you best, inside and out, in life and work?
Actually, most of us do talk to ourselves quite a lot. But we aren’t conscious of much of this chatter, which is called inner speech or self-talk. It tends to occur as an interior monologue through which we give ourselves reminders (“Don’t forget the keys!”); instructions (“Okay, nice and steady now!”); and, unfortunately, a lot of unpleasant critique (“That’s so stupid! Why did I say that?!”). By noticing when you talk to yourself thoughtlessly, and instead offering yourself reassurance, comfort, and acknowledgment, you’re more likely to find both self-acceptance and self-motivation.
How to Have a Little Talk with Yourself
It can feel strange to have a conversation with yourself, but there are multiple self-talk techniques that work very well. Here are just a few tips to get you started:
Use second person. When we use first person (“I’m not comfortable now and I don’t know what to do”) we identify completely with whatever we’re saying. Speaking in second person (“This may be hard for you, but you can do it”) allows a sense of detachment that can make self-talk more forward-looking, fair, and thoughtful. Most of us aren’t good at praising or easing up on ourselves. That’s because our internalization of society’s norms pushes us toward greater accomplishments, resulting in constant exhortations and self-criticism. But by addressing ourselves in second person, we give ourselves more choice about both the content of our self-messaging and how seriously we take it.
Shift from your harsh, judgmental tone to one of grace and compassion. When I’m feeling fearful about something, like, say, getting lost, or feeling congratulatory after finding the place I needed to go, I actually call myself “Honey.” Rather than treating myself as careless or incompetent, I’ll say, “Okay, Honey, you can find this” or “Good for you, Honey, you found it!”
When you note your own effort and success, you also prepare yourself for future successes. So think about how you would speak to a child, pet, or loved one, and use your kindest, most encouraging voice. Relax your body a little so you can feel the way you would if you were showing affection or interest and hear that voice internally.
Help yourself feel safe. When you’re getting anxious about something or experiencing feelings of fear or concern, check to see whether you’re really in danger or you’re actually safe even though you feel at risk. Then, encourage yourself: “Okay, Honey, I know you’re uncomfortable. What would help you feel safer and stronger, and how could we get some of that?” Listen closely to what the other parts of yourself have to say and try to implement some of the suggestions you give yourself.
Review your progress and accomplishments. We often flog ourselves for not doing enough, being smart enough, or trying hard enough. When something goes wrong or we’ve made a mistake, that’s all we focus on. We don’t usually look back and acknowledge the good we’ve done, or even give ourselves credit for being a reasonably decent person. Remind yourself of your achievements, particularly when you’re feeling insecure about other things you believe you should be able to do: “Oh, wait a second! I’m not a complete failure. I’ve already done a lot, even if there’s this next thing I need to learn.”
Be your own best friend. Most of us consistently speak more harshly to ourselves than we would to anybody else. If you’re facing a situation in which you wouldn’t speak badly of others or you’d be kinder to others than you usually are to yourself, think about how you could switch your inner speech to the language and style of someone who truly cares for you. Or think of a favorite teacher or coach, someone who encouraged and motivated you. Picture them and reconstruct their approach and voice in your mind to tell you what you need to hear to go forward.
Why not be able to rely more on the person you’re with all the time? If you practice using a kind, encouraging voice and helpful, supportive language, you’ll immediately start getting better advice and feedback than you were before.
Onward and upward—
LK