A reader of How to Get Your Point Across without Poking a Hole in Anyone and Q&A About Talking Side by Side sent in a sort of counterpoint question: How do you avoid having a hole poked in you by someone else?
We’ve all interacted with someone who isn’t kind, wants to make an example of us, or takes a shot at us every now and then. Regardless of the context of the relationship or whatever deep-seated issues prompted that person to go after you, here are some dodge-and-weave routines to help ensure that if a punch is thrown you can minimize the blow.
Start with reflection: Is what your antagonist says about you true? And if it is true, do you care? Consider whether there’s actual intention to do harm or a repeated pattern of hurt, or whether the dig is merely inadvertent or careless. And will the experience matter to you in six months, or a month, or a week, or tomorrow — or can you just ignore it and let it waft away? (I’m talking about a real dissipation of tension here, not just pretending not to notice what happened.)
Are there safe and appropriate ways to protest the current conditions or conversation? Will it help if you bring appropriate facts and data to bear as a sort of protective shield? Can you suggest a cooling-off period? Or is the hole-poking — and the damage it causes — actually the whole point of the hostile behavior?
If the answer to both these maneuvers is no, can you get away, as in leave the room, the role, or even the relationship? Some forms of interaction are inherently unhealthy. You may actually need a buffer, a recovery plan, or an exit strategy.
Story Time
When I was a young, somewhat naive junior exec, I attended a meeting where two senior execs used a veritable forest of sharpened stakes to poke holes in a mid-level guy. Any corrective value of their questioning was long gone, the middle exec was mute, and it didn’t look like the bloodletting was going to stop.
When I couldn’t think of any safe and appropriate way to shift the conversation, I asked directly if they were trying to work things out or just trying to punish the guy. At that point, the meeting ended abruptly and the poor fellow escaped, at least temporarily.
I can’t recommend this approach wholeheartedly because the next day I was scolded for being “unprofessional”; on the other hand, they were more careful thereafter when I was present. Have you found yourself in a similarly tricky situation that you’d like to share, or get feedback on? Let me know.
Onward and upward,
LK
Hi, Liz! I LOVE your blog posts! I’m going to read the earlier ones. I know I come across too directly in some instances. When being attacked, not to the degree of your example here, I would normally point out what steps I’ve taken and how it’s worked or benefited the company. I was just wondering if others replied.
Keep advising! Always appreciate your counsel!
Lisa
Thanks, Lisa, it’s so nice to see you here!
Sometimes it’s not even how you come across, but what the other person’s true concerns happen to be. Focusing on what they really care about — and the result they want — can help you keep your explanations both relevant and kind, and they may be better accepted. Sometimes it’s just about keeping things pleasant enough that you can still go back tomorrow!