We’re all familiar with people who don’t take feedback well, who close up like a clam or justify their behavior vociferously. In the last couple of weeks, though, I’ve seen two distinct responses to receiving what I’m going to call “guidance” or “input.” This is not the same as feedback, which is most often about you and your past behavior—what you could have done differently or better. In both cases I observed, the conversation was not a critique of past behavior—the individual’s past behavior was irrelevant or even nonexistent, and they had done nothing wrong.
These two responses occurred during prep sessions about how to navigate complicated circumstances—each case involved an executive who had to manage a tricky interaction with an organization’s CEO. In both sessions, advisors shared information about how the executives could explain a complex or fraught upcoming situation that was new to the CEOs. In both cases, the executives had a lot riding on their interactions with the respective CEOs and truly wanted to be successful.
Two Variations on Receiving and Applying Guidance
There are many different ways a person could receive guidance—and then choose either to apply it or ignore it—so what follows are just two examples, but the contrasts between them were notable. In the first case, in response to the guidance, the executive explained his concerns about communicating with his CEO, listened to the advice about how to approach the CEO, asked clarifying questions to be sure he understood, proposed some things he could try, and then applied the tips and recommendations he received. Success! (And of course, the advisors giving the guidance needed to know what they were talking about.)
In the second case, although the executive said she wanted guidance, she mostly talked about how she was already working with the CEO, how she is interacting with other CEOs, and why she thought her approach was working. When the advisors shared some suggestions, she agreed conceptually, but then went on to note that their guidance was similar to her usual approaches and reiterated why her usual approaches work. She probably didn’t realize that in essence she was saying, “What works for me will work for me, and here’s why.” But after doing the equivalent of putting her fingers in her ears and singing, “La, la, la, la,” sticking to her usual approach this time actually backfired.
You don’t want to be that second person. If someone sets up a meeting to provide guidance to you about a complicated situation, and their goal is to help you be successful navigating it, try to get as much value from that input as you can. Here are four suggestions—or four pieces of guidance, if you will—for accepting and applying input.
How to Get Value Out of Guidance
Be curious. Definitely screen your advisors to find out if they have an ax to grind or some particular message they hope you’ll carry for them. But if you believe that they support both you and your mission, think deeply about the reasons behind their input—what they’ve experienced themselves, how their concerns developed—to give you more insight into the situation.
Probe for the differences between what you already do and the recommendations you’re getting. The advisors think they know something that will help you and/or your work improve. So don’t reiterate points you’ve already made or tell them not to worry because you know what you’re doing. Carefully note all the contrasts in approach.
Avoid self-justification. Don’t rehearse your preexisting plans with your advisors unless you’re specifically asking for feedback on those plans. It’s fine to ask whether something will work if you’re checking your understanding so you can adjust your plan. But if you’re saying, “Oh, yes, this is what I already do,” you sound like a know-it-all who’s lacking in humility and you also may not be listening closely enough to the subtle distinctions between your plans and your advisors’ recommendations. This can be particularly difficult for very experienced people who recognize significant congruence between their approach and their advisors’ suggestions; as they reassure themselves about that congruence, they may miss the ways their approach and their advisors’ approaches differ.
Focus on the people or situation you’ll be dealing with, not yourself. Use the advisors’ input to understand the situation or target more deeply. If the advice you’re hearing is about how the target might react, stay receptive to suggestions about what will help that person feel simultaneously safe and engaged enough to appreciate what you have to say. When your attention is trained on the other person and their needs, you’re less likely to fall into self-defensiveness about the appropriateness of your standard methods and approaches.
Onward and upward—
LK