Over the past two weeks, multiple leaders have asked me how to know if they’re overreacting to someone’s behavior or, conversely, if they’re letting something problematic go on too long. If they act too soon, they could look like they’re over-policing, micromanaging, trying to control the environment too tightly, or not trusting their people. But if they wait too long, they risk looking weak, indecisive, or uncaring.
I offered them a rule of thumb that seems to work consistently in a variety of circumstances. They immediately saw its potential, so it may be useful to you, too:
1. Note the potential problem.
2. Recognize the repetition of the concerning circumstance and plan your course of action.
3. Identify the pattern and take steps to break the chain.
Take Note, But Don’t Judge
The first time you observe a behavior or situation that seems wrong, not on point, or just peculiar, it’s premature to get wound up. It could very well be a one-off occurrence. Think of it as a data point — one of many in a sea of data points. It may not have any significant meaning, but it got your attention. So don’t dismiss the fact that something made you sniff the air and prick up your ears. Trust your animal side: Yes, something happened, but it’s too early to judge exactly what it meant.
Note the circumstance without putting energy into it. Keep a little open receptor in your brain to track the situation. You might say to yourself, “Oh, I didn’t like that very much!” or “Wow, that seemed troublesome. I hope it doesn’t happen again.” In effect, you’re putting yourself on notice that if it does happen again, you’ll decide what to do. You’re making a commitment to being ready to take action, but only if and when it’s necessary.
Plan Your Reaction
Let’s say the thing that bothered you — whether it was an error or an ineffective or inappropriate behavior — occurs a second time. Now you’re tracking it. You might start characterizing the situation in some way and wonder if it’s something you have authority over: Is it your place to say something? Should you be checking to see if anyone else is doing anything about it? You still don’t need to take action yet, but this is the time to plan specifically what action you might take if it were to happen a third time.
If you’ve had no experience with this kind of circumstance before, now is a good time to consult with others. Perhaps you can get input from someone who has experience with how this kind of situation should be handled. Think through what you might say or do so you can be ready just in case, because a planned response is likely to be more mature, on target, and productive than a reactive response.
Merely asking the source of the troubling occurrence what they had in mind or what they were trying to accomplish and addressing them with a curious stance is often the most helpful first action on the chance that you were inaccurate in your assumptions or there’s more to the situation than you can see from your vantage point. Rehearse or roleplay if you need to feel more confident that you’ll know what to do if the time comes.
Break the Behavior Chain
If you don’t get ready, here’s the risk: Once you’re dealing with a pattern, it’s more likely that the pattern will continue until someone or something intervenes. Every time the behavior occurs, it’s as if another link is being forged in a behavioral chain that gets stronger and stronger. The main actor in the situation usually believes they’re not doing anything objectionable because they’ve handled things this way over and over and no one has previously protested or required an alternative.
So as soon as you can identify a pattern, it’s time to take your planned response.
Keep in mind that occasionally a situation is so extreme that you have to take action immediately, the very first time something happens, when, for instance, someone has done something that’s dangerous, offensive, or morally wrong. If that’s the case, you’re responsible for speaking or acting right away. But if there’s no clear danger, it makes sense to be deliberate rather than overreactive. Sometimes you have to conduct your noting, strategizing, and taking action all within the space of 15 minutes; other times, it could happen over 18 months. Either way, you’re prepared.
Onward and upward —
LK