“Can’t they tell I’ve changed? Why don’t they give me credit for it, or at least acknowledge it?”
Sometimes when I’ve worked with a client for a while and they feel they’ve made a real change to their behavior, they get frustrated when people treat them the same old way. Other people seem to view them as if they’re still how they were pre-coaching—not listening enough, not kind enough, not decisive enough, or still indulging in whatever troubling approach or behavior we’ve been working on.
It’s very hard to hear that people don’t perceive you to have changed, particularly when you’re a good person and putting in real effort. Unfortunately, though, you can’t just flip a switch to get others people to change their perception of you—just because you know you’re behaving differently doesn’t necessarily mean that other people will notice.
Can People Really Change?
When someone has had a disruptive or disconcerting practice or habit, it can be hard to believe that they could change or to trust that they’ve actually changed, even when they say they’re different now. By now, you’ve built up a set of perceptions about them and reactions to them and it’s become an artifact of your relationship. It’s almost automatic.
So someone’s behavioral change may be very small compared to the size of your historical perception set. You might not feel confident that their change is intentional or lasting—that they won’t suddenly return to their old ways because they forget or get stressed by current circumstances. It’s only natural to wonder, “Will they be able to sustain the change when they’re under pressure—when their team is understaffed, their customers are demanding, or their boss is putting pressure on them?”
How to Demonstrate Your Commitment Consistently
These concerns aren’t trivial. We’ve all had the experience of being inconsistently committed to change ourselves. Despite our best intentions, as fallible human beings, when things get tough, our best intentions may waver. And as soon as we backslide even a little bit, others think, “There they go again! I knew they hadn’t really changed!” So, for clients who are working hard to change their behavior, here are the kinds of things I encourage them to do to help others develop confidence in their commitment:
Engage your colleagues in being part of your team for change. If they’re actively supporting your change, they’re more likely to be aware of your progress. Acknowledge that it’s hard to make the change, but that you’re committed to it; you can even admit that you’re worried about continuing to make progress when things get tough.
For example, you can include colleagues in some of your thought processes. When you’re not sure how they’ll react to something, ask them upfront what they think. Explain that you’re working on your relationship with them or trying to improve your behavior, and you’re trying to understand how your position or concern will sound to them. This puts them on alert that you’re making efforts to improve and gives them the chance to support you if they’re willing to do that.
Ask for feedback explicitly in the areas where people have pointed out your unsatisfactory behavior or tendencies. If you’ve received complaints about being too impatient, for instance, and you anticipate a difficult conversation, try prompting them: “If you can see that I’m getting tense, or that I’m feeling challenged by the situation, if you would ask me how I’m doing and offer to pause for a moment so I remember to try to use my new behaviors, that would be great! I really appreciate your help.”
Apologize immediately. Of course there’s always the risk of backsliding or making a new mistake, and then it’s very important to fess up promptly by identifying the error and expressing your regret about it. The unfortunate thing is that a new error may cause people to believe you can’t change and didn’t mean what you said when you declared you were changing. Or maybe they’ll think that even though you changed your language—even your intent—you’re still the same tiger in different stripes.
But a heartfelt apology can help you be a little more vulnerable and create a renewed sense of connection. If it’s clear that there are things that you want to accomplish together with colleagues out of mutual interest and for shared benefit, sooner or later they’re likely to feel that impulse and accept you more, even if you backslide.
Onward and upward—
LK