Before taking on a new coaching client, I asked his boss if she thought he really wanted to change. I told her I wasn’t interested in working with him unless he was willing to change his behavior. She asked me, “How do you get people to change, anyway?” When I explained, “You can’t make anyone change,” she thought long and hard about her subordinate and whether he would be willing, capable, and committed to the changes she wanted from him and agreed to discuss the possibilities with him directly.
Why People Avoid Change
People are naturally resistant to most changes they haven’t initiated themselves—and sometimes even to changes they profess to want to make. Think of weight loss, giving up smoking, being tidier, or getting to the gym. And the more behavioral change is imposed from the outside rather than from people’s own desire, the more resistant they’re likely to be.
What causes this? First of all, change is hard and uncomfortable. Plus, not only is there probably a perfectly good reason for the original behavior, but when people begin trying to change, it can call into question their prior judgments and decisions. It might mean that whatever they were doing before was actually wrong. We have a hard time giving up old ways that we believe work for us, and changing those ways can make us feel like we’re turning against ourselves.
On top of all that, being asked to change can make someone feel afraid and lost in a high-risk situation. For instance, when you ask people to change, they might be unsure of what to do or could feel uncomfortable about the new process, what outcomes are expected, or whether they’ll be judged as looking ridiculous while they’re trying to make the desired shift.
How to Support Someone to Change
If you want someone to change, and they haven’t come to you begging for support in changing, you won’t get very far by treating them harshly or as if they’re stupid and don’t know what to do. If they’re already protecting themselves from harm or hurt feelings, they’ll just defend themselves more. So try not to tell them what they “have to” do and avoid brute-force actions like threatening them with hierarchical power. The use of punitive measures actually makes it more likely that any change won’t stick, and you’ll run the risk of turnover, malicious compliance, or presenteeism. Forcing people to do something different rarely pays off.
If you want someone to be willing to work on the changes you want, it helps to pull them closer to you first. Start by acknowledging where they are and why that place feels safe and as if it’s working for them. Don’t begin with someone’s toughest habits. Engage where you’re most likely to have success and then build outward. Look for people who might be willing to change and find ways to partner with them. Identify any goals or values you have in common, build trust on those commonalities, and move toward being persuasive about the things you don’t have in common yet.
Your stance could be something like this: “You already trust me on some things, so can you hear me out on this other thing?” Ask what benefit they see in making the change you want; if they don’t see any, make sure there actually is a benefit there! Present them with information about what will improve if they can drop their old habits and adopt the new habit you’d like them to take up. For instance, if it’s a communication issue, suggest taking on new habits of speech or relationship. By presenting alternatives to current behavior and discussing the logical outcomes that a behavioral shift may create, you can get people interested in how changing will actually help them. Then you can teach them different ways to practice that shift and offer experiments to try.
What to Do in the Face of Resistance
Let’s face it, your work environment may not allow you enough time to let people ease their way into change and shift gradually to new behaviors. When you can’t wait for a slow, smooth adjustment, you may have to apply some pressure through rules or metrics, like making something a condition of employment or instituting production requirements. This might feel less humane, but their changing may be entirely your responsibility.
Sometimes people feel like they’ve created their own success and don’t recognize that what they’re doing actually isn’t working for them the way they perceive it, but they still won’t accept your challenge and they’ll actively resist the required change.
When that happens, it’s time to use your other tools, like hierarchical power or greater knowledge. You might ask: “Is that really what you want to be doing? Are you sure about that choice? Because here are the consequences if you decide that you’re not going to make the change I’m asking you to make….” Those consequences could be natural outcomes of lack of action or penalties that you or some other authority impose.
It’s always more effective if the person agree with you about the need for change and are willing to accept your support to make it. Identifying what’s in it for them and helping them see the positive benefits of changing is almost always worth the extra effort. I’m eager to learn if this possible new coaching client decides to commit to doing the work.
Onward and upward—
LK