Last week I heard from several executives about colleagues trying to manipulate them to behave differently or make certain decisions favorable to the manipulators. I’m not sure if these instances were coincidental or if something about current working conditions is causing a spike in manipulation. But generally speaking, manipulation is an evergreen problem that can come up over and over.
The problem isn’t necessarily what the manipulator wants to accomplish—they could have a good end in mind. What’s troubling is that they hide their intentions, taking a circuitous approach to accomplishing their purpose and behaving in underhanded ways. People who don’t use manipulative tactics might request, command, make a formal case, or beg for what they want—and in each of those cases, both parties know what’s going on. But manipulators operate indirectly or beneath the surface—as if their target won’t recognize what’s happening so they can get that colleague to do things outside of their own will or choice.
What to Watch Out For
It’s often hard to be sure if someone is trying to manipulate you. We tend to push back when someone tries to control us, tolerating it only when they hold hierarchical or structural power over us. Because manipulation involves concealment, we sometimes feel lied to as well as forced. Other times, manipulation actually feels good, like when someone praises your skills and downplays their own to get you to pick up more than your share of work—that is, until you find yourself feeling angry about taking on more of the workload for no good reason and with no sense of reciprocity.
The manipulator may also treat you as special, dangling opportunities for plum assignments, access to senior staff, or extra resources—but then deliver inconsistently, or not at all. To get close to you, they may pretend to share privileged information, seemingly granting you the benefits of trust and special knowledge. In extreme cases, this can even end in blackmail, with the manipulator threatening to expose your weaknesses or your own conspiratorial or unattractive behavior.
Manipulators can also make you feel guilty about not doing enough for them or choosing not to side with them in a disagreement. If you’ve done something wrong or hurtful, it’s responsible to apologize, but if someone continues to act wounded by circumstances they don’t like—and those circumstances are a regular part of the business—then you’re not responsible for their feelings or for making them feel better. (Of course you can choose to support or buffer them if your assignments, purpose, and values give you good reason to help.)
And watch out for gaslighting—a particularly toxic form of manipulation in which you’re made to feel like you can’t trust your own perceptions and judgments, and therefore you lose confidence and come to rely on the manipulator’s direction. In these instances, you might even bond more closely to the manipulator, believing they’re trying to help you when they’re actually using you to accomplish their own goals.
How to Identify a Manipulator
You might feel physically uncomfortable during an interaction with a manipulator—or later, in retrospect. Your body may react as if you’re under threat before you consciously recognize that something ugly is going on: your stomach churns, your throat tightens, you feel hot. We often try to ignore our physical responses at work, but if you notice a patterned response of discomfort whenever you’re around a certain person or in a particular situation, pay attention.
Look out for someone focusing on you more intently than they do on other people, treating you as oddly special, or acting in a way that’s out of character. If you find yourself wishing you could dial down the intensity of a relationship, that could be another sign that something’s wrong. Why is someone so interested in you all of a sudden? If your body doesn’t react negatively, terrific! But if someone treats you erratically—by praising you excessively and then ignoring you, asking you to keep secrets that seem strange, or encouraging you to skirt the line of appropriateness—think twice about getting closer to them.
How to Stop a Manipulator
Manipulators often hide behind plausible deniability, so one way to stymie them is by asking calm questions to verify their intent or purpose. Play along without going along: “So, are you saying that instead of sharing this information with Mary, you want me to keep it from her so we can operate without her— even though she’s the person who’s responsible and probably doesn’t want us to do this? Is that what you actually mean? Because that wouldn’t be right…”
They can then choose how to respond. They may back off to avoid confrontation or exposure. If not, try simple questions like, “Could you explain that again? Because it’s outside the normal protocol so I’m concerned about it,” or “I’m not sure I understand what you mean. Can you be more specific?” Instead of taking on a manipulator directly, you’re giving them a chance to size up the situation and see that it may not be safe to continue on this path. Once they know you’re on to them, they’ll be less likely to keep trying to manipulate you.
Compare where the boundaries in your relationship would be in the normal course with a different colleague. If your connection with the manipulator seems too tight, or you realize your boundaries are skewed, consider ways to bring the relationship back to a more even balance. And while you’re getting out of the manipulator’s clutches, let other people—colleagues or not—know what’s going on. You may need moral support, as it often gets harder to rectify a manipulative relationship on your own. And you don’t want anyone else to be the next victim!
Onward and upward —
LK